How To Be Happy Without Grandchildren

Whether or not you lot're a grandparent isn't something you lot get any kind of say over – it's down to your kids, assuming you have them. And if y'all don't accept children, well there'due south even less option for y'all.

We spoke to ii women well-nigh this – Patsy who has three children and now half dozen grandchildren and is struggling to cope with demands and expectations. And Lottie, who would desperately love grandchildren but whose girl really is dead ready against having them.

Talking to both information technology's clear that in that location's a sense of powerlessness on both sides, and to get some existent insight, nosotros take asked relationship expert Carole Ann Rice to requite Patsy and Lottie some guidance.

PATSY

I come from a adequately large family already – I grew upward with two brothers and one sister, so when I got married, information technology kind of felt normal to have lots of noise and stuff around me. And so I had iii daughters of my own – not quite the full 4! – and nosotros had a happy life. Money wasn't e'er comfy, and feeding three very hungry mouths (wow growing girls swallow a lot!) cost a fortune but it was so worth it. I absolutely admire my kids.

Now both the other daughters have two, and one of them is pregnant again… and I just can't cope

And I admire my grandchildren, simply the problem with having three kids is that now I've got six grandchildren… and counting. In the early on days, when the outset couple came along, I was really involved, helped out loads, had the kids at mine to give my girl a break and so on. But at present both the other daughters accept two each, and one of them is pregnant over again – which is going to bring the total upward to seven, and I just tin can't cope.

I feel really bad, because the first daughter to get her kids in the bag, so to speak, has had way more help from me than the other ii, and I know they bicker almost it a bit. Merely the truth of the matter is that coping with two or three is MUCH EASIER than coping with five or six. Or vii!

I practice my best to try and explain to them that this is absolutely not favouritism, but I am not as young as I was (I'm 62) and my knees and hips don't e'er play the game – and my husband is in the aforementioned boat. We just can't practice what we used to exist able to. I sort of feel in a way that because they are bickering I am frightened I'll have to draw a line and simply say no to everything, which I don't want to do.

My daughters do understand my point of view, and I know none of them would be making u.s.a. feel bad on purpose. Information technology'southward probably more in my caput that anything else, just I actually don't know what to do. I almost want to say to them STOP BREEDING!! We can't accept any more!

CAROLE ANN SAYS…

It's all about setting boundaries here. Saying that yes, you are happy to help, just on other days y'all have commitments.

You can honey your grandchildren unconditionally and give them fourth dimension, money and attention y'all may not have been able to do as a tired and broke parent. Day trips, zoo, theatre, panto, quietly making crafts, cakes or gardening can be delightful as you can block that time to invest in them, and can and so manus them dorsum.

But information technology's important that your offspring see you take lives too and aren't simply in that location on tap for them. That you're not 'on demand', payment-free lackeys and wrap around childcare solutions for them.

TOP TIPS…

• Draw some boundaries around your time. Suggest a grouping meeting with all daughters and work out a rota where you lot say yous are bachelor on the days you choose, and work out a strict rotation.
• Effort non to be swayed past requests to help because of work. It'southward tempting to put in some actress support in this case, but if you decide that'southward something you want to practise, explain that this has to come up out of the 'rota quota' and that it'due south then down to your daughter to decide. Does she desire childcare for that twenty-four hours at work, for example? Or would she rather save information technology for a Saturday night sleepover!?
• Working like this puts the power back in your hands, only it puts selection in the hands of your daughters. And you go to spend equal amounts of fourth dimension with ALL your grandchildren and enjoy every crazy minute of information technology!

LOTTIE

I notice it really hard to talk well-nigh this without condign really upset, and in plough that makes me experience selfish. Just I am a unmarried mum to an just kid, a wonderful daughter and she simply does not want to have any kids of her own.

I can't meet her changing her mind; she has an admittedly dizzying career and for that I am immensely proud of her. I couldn't wish for meliorate for her – she is happy and successful and has a lovely hubby. They have an amazing life and I am lucky enough that they notwithstanding include me in that too.

She has been really clear with me, there is no way she's going to accept kids. She just sees that equally something that will make it the manner of her life

I spend time with them – they occasionally take me away for little breaks in the sun, and my girl makes a point of making time for me, we exercise stuff like go to Champneys. Only she has been really clear with me, there is no fashion she'due south going to have kids. She just sees that as something that will get in the manner of her life.

I can kind of encounter what she means. Any parent will admit that having kids totally changes your life. And she's seen information technology happen to so many of her friends. I continue hoping she'll modify her listen but honestly, I tin can't meet it happening. I feel awful maxim information technology because I'm lucky to take her – but I'm desperately sad most her option. I experience bereft and a sense of loss for something I volition never have.

CAROLE ANN SAYS…

Information technology tin can be sad to realise you may non exist a grandparent, simply having children of your own is non a guarantee of this, or of future 'investment' in happiness.

Each of u.s.a., as someone's kid, has a life to alive on our own terms. For some, circumstance or selection may dictate that having children is not part of that picture. And many things in life are not a given.

There are however many families and children who would love a hands-on and devoted 'aunt' or 'uncle' and lovely friend of the family who takes an interest in their children – and at that place are enough of people out there whose kids don't take grandparents. Many such relationships can be more rewarding and loving than familial ones if nurtured in a healthy way.

TOP TIPS

• If this is yous, and you experience a sense of loss that you won't take grandchildren, that's completely adequate – it is distressing and completely reasonable to experience grief effectually this. But accepting that it'southward not your choice and you can't alter information technology is important to develop acceptance. Spending all your time wishing it would happen when it isn't going to is only going to keep needling at that pain.
• Can yous volunteer at local or community events? Spend time with children beingness helpful? Could you lot perhaps be a reader or a helper at a schoolhouse, for example? Operate a lollipop?! You'll need to be DBS checked and adhere to their rules, but every bit a regular helper yous could develop a rapport with some of the kids there – some of whom might not accept a granny or grandad themselves.
• Offer a babysitting service for friends and family – spending time with little ones who are part of your close circle can be a rewarding experience, and you're bound to find mums and dads who need a flake of help!
• In curt, you might not have your ain grandchildren, but there are probable to be kids out there that you can exist of import to, in some way.

Find human relationship expert Carole Ann Rice here world wide web.realcoachingco.com

Source: https://www.thetonic.co.uk/2019/04/11/coping-grandchildren/

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